When Nuns Attack
by grandlarseny
Summary: archived: Relena receives some information on her last living relative and Heero is suspicious that it may be less than accurate.


Look out for: Comedy, Sap and Crossdressing. . . ah crossdressing.  
  
Relena clutched the paper in her shaking hand as Pagan's droopy eyebrows lifted in a smile.  
  
"Pagan.do you know what this means!?" She said excitedly, scanning the paper once more.  
  
"Yes Miss Relena, I do. It means you may have one more living relative besides Mr. Milliardo."  
  
"Not just ANY relative! It would be my aunt! My mother's sister!" Relena sat back in amazement, still rather overcome by the news. 'I could learn things about my mother..'  
  
Relena sat up suddenly. She didn't know how Pagan had obtained this information, but now was not the time for questions. Now was the time for answers.  
  
"Take me there Pagan, now." The look adorning Pagan's face clearly showed his shock at such a hasty decision.  
  
"Miss Relena do you think that's a good idea? I mean we haven't made sure the area is secure and-" He was interrupted by peals of Relena's laughter.  
  
"Pagan! It's a nunnery for goodness sakes!"  
  
Pagan let out a world-weary sigh.  
  
"Perhaps you're right Miss Relena.well here's one for spontaneity." Pagan said as he grabbed the car keys. Relena blinked and then grinned, a little taken aback by how easily she had swayed her loyal servant. Rising from her plush office seat, she followed him through the house and out the door.  
  
As Relena was climbing into her cotton candy colored limo she felt her arm be closed in a vise-like grip. Her head snapped up to catch a glance of her restrainer. Almost instantaneously a sigh of relief escaped her.  
  
"Heero!" She breathed, "You scared me!"  
  
"Where are you going?" He asked, the dangerous glint in his eyes more evident than usual.  
  
Heero had come to be Relena's bodyguard in the years following the Mariemaia incident. His amazingly enhanced, and somewhat one-track mind (protect, protect, protect, sex, protect, protect) proved him a perfect candidate for such an important and time-consuming station.  
  
Therefore, all-things-Relena must be known to him in order to assure her utter and complete safety. As the station was a live-in deal, he was often seen skulking around the Peacecraft mansion, keeping tabs on his employer, as was expected of a dedicated bodyguard, and a Gundam pilot.  
  
However, Relena had a nasty habit of attempting to lose her bodyguards at every turn. Which made Heero's job no easier.  
  
"Relax, I'm just going to a nunnery." Relena replied, waving her hand about unconcernedly.  
  
Heero shot her a quizzical look.  
  
"I received some information today.it's where one of my last living relatives is located." The diplomat informed her guard, a soft smile playing on her lips.  
  
Heero frowned. She received some information. Undoubtedly the source was unknown, the perimeter was unscoped, and her visit was unannounced to the staff of her house, or to the people she was visiting.  
  
Had this outing turned dangerous and she managed to get kidnapped again, it would have been a while before she was missed. Heero's frown deepened. These were not favorable circumstances and therefore he could do nothing but what he was about to do. He opened his mouth to inform Relena of his decision against letting her go. But before he could form a single vowel Relena quickly jumped into the car and slammed the door.  
  
"Step on it Pagan! Before he finds some reason why this isn't safe!"  
  
Pagan grinned and pressed heavily on the gas pedal. The car sped away before Heero could get the word, 'no' past his lips.  
  
He growled slightly as he watched the limo drive out of site. She escaped this time. Sighing he turned around deciding to do a background check on the source of this 'information'.  
  
A callused hand sifted through choppy bangs. If he thought Relena was bad during the war, she had definitely proved that she was livelier that he could have ever imagined then.  
  
A soft smile touched his lips as he thought with some degree of fondness at her antics.  
  
'All the more reason to do a background check.god knows who she's pissed off lately' he sighed thinking of the old windbag that had a tantrum in her office a few weeks back.  
  
With this thought in mind, he trudged up the steps of the building, intent on finding out who had it in for her this time.  
  
***  
  
10 minutes later  
  
***  
  
Heero decoded the exact numbers of the coordinates of the convent with a practiced ease. 4= D 9=I and so on, until he came up with the final message.  
  
"Die Relena, Die." He read aloud, greatly unimpressed.  
  
'These are obviously amateurs. Relena could probably beat them one handed. Still, I'm a bodyguard and what are bodyguards for?'  
  
That idea set in his mind, he jogged to the garage and jumped in his flashy car. Tires squealed as he roared out of the driveway. He sped out of the gates of the mansion and sailed down the highway to the convent he had read about in the information Relena had so carelessly left on her desk.  
  
'Time for a little 'short cut'.' Heero thought with a smirk as he turned sharply onto a gravel dirt bike path.  
  
****  
  
Relena pulled the bell chord on that hung lazily by the wrought iron gates. The old bell clanked and echoed in the courtyard that stood in front of the stone building, rising impressively from behind it. This was the home and place of worship for the nuns that lived in the ancient sanctuary.  
  
The abbey, and the courtyard, however, seemed utterly abandoned. Nothing stirred as Relena waited for some form of life to acknowledge her. None seemed to, so she turned to go when she heard someone calling after her.  
  
Footsteps came closer as a round-faced woman, sporting a wimple hurried over to the gate, puffing and smiling.  
  
"I'm so sorry dear! I was the only one outside today! Everyone else is praying in the church!"  
  
"That's fine" Relena said, returning the kind smile. "What's the occasion of the prayers?  
  
The nun's cheerful face sobered a bit and her eyes wrinkled with sadness.  
  
"I'm afraid one of the sisters is very ill.on her deathbed even. We're all praying for her health." She added, making the sign of the cross over her bosom.  
  
"Oh how sad!" Relena exclaimed as the nun unlocked the gate and pulled it open. The grinding sound of metal made Relena wince as she stepped into the courtyard of the nunnery.  
  
"Now, my child, what brings you to our home?" The nun smiled and nodded her head once.  
  
"Well.I am an orphan and up until now I had no other family to speak of, besides an older brother. But today I received information that I have a living relative.they gave this address to find her at."  
  
"May I ask her name?" The nun said as both she and Relena walked towards the ancient building. A cool autumn wind whipped Relena's hair around as she looked at the nun.  
  
"It's Margaret Peacecraft. Have you heard of her?" Relena asked hesitantly. She wasn't sure how outdated this information was, or whether her aunt had even been here in the first place.  
  
"Merciful heavens! You must be talking about Sister Grace!"  
  
"Yes, well, I wasn't given the name she took when she entered the abbey." Relena explained, hope blossoming.  
  
"Oh dear, I'm so sorry." The nun said sympathetically. Relena's heart sank at the tone. Something was wrong.  
  
"What is it?" She whispered a pit of dread replacing her stomach.  
  
"Sister Grace is the poor soul we're praying for."  
  
******  
  
Heero sped down the highway once again, periodically checking his watch. He finally came to a screeching halt in front the enormous structure of the abbey.  
  
Vaulting over the seat of the convertible, he walked swiftly up to the gate, pulling at the rope. The bell rang, once twice, three times before it broke off and crashed to the ground. A plump nun approached the door glaring.  
  
"Where is Relena Dorlian?" He asked the nun, in a voice that could freeze hell over if the owner of that voice where so inclined.  
  
"I'm sorry, young man, but there are no men allowed in this place. It's a nunnery after all! The only men allowed to visit are the brothers of God."  
  
The nun's adamant refusal gave Heero a moment of pause.  
  
"Hn. I can see you're not an easily convinced woman."  
  
With those words Heero Yuy reached through the gate and delivered a blow to her pressure point located at the temple. The nun slumped over in a state of unconsciousness. Heero quickly bent the bars of the gate slipping through. Quietly, he dragged the prone form of the sister away.  
  
******  
  
Relena expected her aunt to be old. Very old. She wasn't. But then again, if her mother were alive she wouldn't be terribly old, either.  
  
Sister Grace, otherwise known as Margaret Peacecraft, sat propped up on a mound of pillows in a simple bed. The rest of the room was stark besides a lamp and alarm clock on an end table. Relena entered cautiously.  
  
Sister Grace turned her head toward her, eyebrows crinkling in confusion. "Who are you?" She asked in a serene voice, one that sounded very similar to Relena's.  
  
Sandy blonde hair, the same shade as Relena's hung over her left shoulder as she struggled to sit up.  
  
"Oh, no no no no! Don't do that! It's not necessary, please. I've heard you've been sick."  
  
The nun gave up, and sunk back into the bedcovers, looking at Relena with a weary smile. Relena continued "I'm Relena Darlian.better known as Relena Peacecraft."  
  
Sister Grace gasped sharply, frozen with shock as her eyes welled up with tears. Her hands flew to her face as a few teardrops slid down to plop on the blanket.  
  
"Oh my god. It can't be true." Her face was utterly blank as she visibly interpreted the information she had just been presented with.  
  
Relena walked over and sat on the bedside. Sister Grace's trembling hand reached up tentatively to cup her niece's cheek.  
  
"It must be true.you look just like her.all this time-" Sister Grace broke off as she pulled Relena into a surprisingly strong hug. "All this time I thought you had died in the flames." She said, sobbing slightly.  
  
"You didn't know I survived?" Relena asked, her voice incredulous. "How could you not!? I'm a major political figure.I was even Queen of the World."  
  
"Oh, dear." Sister Grace said in a teary voice, pulling out of the embrace "After the collapse of the Sanq Kingdom, I came to this abbey. We remain in complete seclusion from outside politics and society as our religion dictates, for our worship. Even visitors are rare. By the time news reaches us, its years old!" She said, eyes drinking in the sight of Relena.  
  
"You look just like your mother you know.even your eyes are the same color."  
  
"I was hoping you could tell me about my mother." Relena said, looking hopefully at the nun. "But first, I want to know what you're sick with?"  
  
"I have a bad case of flu, with some inflammations here and there. It's bad, but I'll recover." She said before trailing off.  
  
"But they told me you were on your deathbed!" Relena exclaimed.  
  
"Did they? Oh that must have been Sister Heather. She's quite an exaggerator." Sister Grace smiled merrily, despite her pale and obviously sickly complexion. Relena felt herself returning the expression.  
  
"I'm so glad I found you." Relena said, "It's so good to know that-"  
  
Relena broke off suddenly as the door to the room was kicked open. A nun of average height ran into the room, looking around suspiciously.  
  
"Relena. Get away from her. She's an enemy. We need to get out of here NOW."  
  
Although the figure could have been female, there was no doubt at all that the voice was not. In fact, Relena would know that monotone anywhere. She sat there for a moment, dumbstruck, before she went off.  
  
"HEERO!? Why are you here!? And dressed in a nun's uniform for god's sake!?" Relena yelled, gesturing wildly at the standard outfit Heero now sported.  
  
"And what's this talk of me being an enemy!?" Sister Grace said sternly, mirroring the look Relena was shooting Heero at the moment.  
  
"Don't play dumb with me, sister.no pun intended." Heero exclaimed.  
  
Turning he began addressing his protectee.  
  
" Relena, we need to leave right this -" Heero broke off as a chorus of voices rang down the hall. "Shit." He muttered "They found me. Relena, I'd love to explain this all to you but," He picked up Relena and hefted her over his shoulder "we don't have time right now."  
  
"Hey!" Relena shouted as he sprinted out of the room "Put me down! If you don't, so help me god, I'll strangle you with your stupid WIMPLE!"  
  
In truth, Relena was actually a little giddy to finally be in Heero's arms, but the circumstances were just too bizarre for her to properly enjoy it. This, of course, irritated her mightily.  
  
"Listen Relena, we have about 30 angry nuns on our tail, and they're all thirsting for my blood." Heero spoke in annoyance, eyes darting around, searching for any sign of danger. Leave it to Heero to turn a place of worship into a war zone.  
  
"They're not the only ones thirsting for your blood right now." Relena shot back sarcastically.  
  
"Quiet, or they'll-" Heero broke off as he turned the corner.a massive amount of angry nuns stood facing them, thirsting for his blood, just as he promised.  
  
"Heero? What happened? Why did you stop." Heero lowered Relena to the floor. Slowly she turned around  
  
"Are you ready to explain what this is all about n-.oh dear." Relena took one look at the nun's facing them and knew that this was gonna get messy.  
  
"You, young man, have taken this too far." The largest nun, wielding a large rolling pin said, glaring for all she was worth. Relena recognized her as Sister Heather, the nun who had opened the gate for her. But why was she clad only in her voluminous under garments?  
  
Relena almost groaned out loud as the question of Heero's garb was unexpectedly answer. When Relena thought this was gonna get messy, she had no idea how true that statement actually was.  
  
"Bring it on." Heero challenged dangerously, taking a defensive fighting stance.  
  
The nuns surged forward in one big mass, all heading towards Heero. Relena's eyes widened as she watched Heero punch one nun right in the nose while simultaneously back-kicking another. Sister after sister went down as they came up on the Great Yuy.  
  
Through all the commotion Relena spotted out of the corner of her eye, a nun with a board of wood sneaking up behind Heero while he was currently engaging Sister Heather in fierce mortal combat.  
  
"Heero, look out!" Relena yelled as she ran forward.  
  
"What?!" Heero shouted over his shoulder, knocking Sister Rolling Pin unconscious, as the nun raised the board above his head.  
  
Before she even knew what she was doing, Relena ran up to the nun, decking her right upside the head. The nun crumpled into a graceful heap at Heero's feet, much to his astonishment.  
  
Relena rubbed her left hand, wincing. Heero stood frozen behind her.  
  
"Oh my god. I can't believe I just sucker punched a nun.." She moaned, horrified. She was so mortified that she didn't even notice that Heero had recovered from his shock and was slowly drawing closer to her, his gaze becoming intense and focused completely on her.  
  
"Relena." Heero said in a husky voice, looking at her with an odd expression. "You have such a strong right hook." his eyes hooded and he leaned in zeroing in on her lips.  
  
Relena jerked her head up, and noticing Heero's amorous state felt her heartbeat speed up in anticipation of what that might mean.  
  
"Oh Heero." Relena said breathlessly as she tipped her head back, the fallen nun completely forgotten for that moment. Her eyes drifted slowly shut as she waited for their mouths to meet in a deliciously wicked ki-  
  
A yell sounded behind them. Quickly Heero and Relena broke apart and spun around.  
  
"There he is!"  
  
The Holy Order had called for divine back-up it seemed as an even larger amount of nun's stood facing the wide-eyed couple. Even with Heero, the great fighting machine, they did not stand a chance.  
  
"I go down fighting!" Heero bellowed, attempting to charge head first into the throng of the angry sisters. Relena almost screamed in frustration. First he comes thiiis close to giving her the kiss that she really- especially after all this- deserved, and now he was trying to storm the servants of god!? This would just not do.  
  
"Oh no you don't, Mr. Trigger Happy." Relena said, tugging sharply with all her might on his robes flowing robes, causing him to trip and fall face first onto the cold stone of the abbey floor. He twisted around, giving Relena his most indignant of glares.  
  
By now the disgruntled nuns had approached them, wielding assorted kitchen utensils, articles of clothing (the most popular one being shoes) and other various items that could inflict any kind of damage. There was even a stuffed penguin amongst the throng of 'weapons'.  
  
"Ladies." Relena addressed the crowd with a genial smile, trying to dampen the alarm that had blossomed in her from the beginning of this escapade. Drawing a deep breath she reminded herself fiercely that she dealt with the Prime Minister of Russia on a daily basis, so these women, by comparison, should be a field day. Unfortunately her alarm would not listen and stubbornly continued to reside in her chest.  
  
"I think there has been a misunderstanding," She forged onward, turning on the charm "Which I'm sure my bodyguard, Mr. Yuy-" at this she shot a look at Heero that held the promise of all kinds of horrific things- "would be pleased to clear up. So, if you had anywhere we could sit and talk things over?"  
  
After some heated deliberation one of the nuns that had been leading the group consented to Relena's request, leading them into a small but private room, where proper explanations could be obtained.  
  
*****  
  
"So then I.knocked out Sister Heather and stole her robes. You know the rest." Heero finished, warily glancing at the nuns in the dark room. He still didn't trust them one bit.  
  
Relena stared blankly at Heero. Blinking, she shook herself out of her disbelief and faced the group of nuns.  
  
"Um.so I guess that's the full story." Relena said hesitantly.  
  
"How odd." The now fully conscious Sister Heather said, one of her hands stroking her double chin. "It's quite a coincidence that the nunnery's coordinates translate to Die Relena Die."  
  
"Heero, could I see the paper you did the coordinates on?"  
  
Heero reluctantly pulled out the crumpled piece of paper, handing it to Relena. The Vice Foreign Minister analyzed it for a few minutes, brow crinkled in concentration.  
  
"Heero", She said still pouring over the paper "I think you made a mistake."  
  
"What!? Impossible!" Heero exclaimed, eyebrows drawn into a frown at the accusation. He leaned over her shoulder to get a good look at what she was pointing to.  
  
"Yes" Relena said, her slender finger drawing Heero's gaze to the 'r' in Relena. "This coordinate number is an eight not an eighteen. It should be H, not R."  
  
"So the translated coordinates should be Die Helena Die?" Sister Heather asked.  
  
"Apparently." Relena answered, a grin curving her lips. " I guess even the perfect soldier can make mistakes." She teased, throwing a saucy glance over her shoulder to her spikey haired guard, earning a full force glare from the brooding figure.  
  
****  
  
"I'm terribly sorry for the mix-up," Relena apologized again for the hundredth time.  
  
"It's quite alright my child. Now that we've had a proper explanation all is forgiven. Your bodyguard was merely concerned for your safety." The nun said gently, beaming at the Vice Foreign Minister emphasizing her split lip.  
  
After clearing up the situation with the nun's, Relena had decided to bid her aunt farewell with the promise to visit at a later date. For now, she thought the quiet nunnery had had quite enough of her and her entirely too paranoid bodyguard. She went down the line of nun's that had assembled on the front steps, offering them each a personal apology and a goodbye.  
  
Walking to Heero's car, she turned and waved once more before climbing in. As they drove out the large, intimidating gates the throng of nun's that had assembled all raised their arms and waved to them, large forgiving smiles plastered on. Relena waved back, nearly wincing as each cheery face was graced by either a few missing teeth, or a black eye. Shaking her head she turned to fasten her seatbelt.  
  
After steering clear out of the courtyard Heero revved up the engines and then they were off, driving down the highway at a speed most would be highly uncomfortable with, but to Relena, was completely normal.  
  
"Y'know Heero," She said, trying to keep her hair from whipping around in wild disarray, "You're forgetting something."  
  
Heero glanced over at her in surprise. "What's that?" He inquired, an eyebrow raised in obvious confusion.  
  
Relena looked over at him and grinned. "You never finished giving me my ki- "  
  
Suddenly Heero slammed on the brakes as a red car cut in front of them unexpectedly. Relena jerked against her seatbelt, former train of though completely forgotten. In a fit of anger she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over the windshield, shaking her fist.  
  
"IT'S CALLED A TURN SIGNAL, BUDDY! YOU MIGHT WANT TO LEARN HOW TO USE ONE!" She yelled, before plopping back into her seat. Folding her arms across her chest in a hostile manner she started muttering to herself, "I swear, the nerve of some people. Signaling would be nice every once in a while."  
  
She continued with her half garbled ranting for a few more minutes before she realized that Heero had gone without comment. Looking over at him she realized he wore the same expression he had earlier.  
  
Trapping Relenas' gaze in his own heated one, he leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Have I ever told you how sexy you are when you're telling someone off?" He breathed huskily, the whisper of his comment making her insides quiver.  
  
"Oh Heero!" She exclaimed once and tipped her face up to Heero's lowered one so she could promptly receive the kissing of her life.  
  
Now as to why the car didn't crash while they were making out? One of the wonders of fanfiction, my friend.  
  
-Fin-  
  
A Few Interesting Tidbits  
  
*Grace is my middle name and that was consequently the reason I gave it to Sister Grace otherwise known as Maragaret Peacecraft  
  
*Heather is the middle name of youngest sibling, hence the name Sister Heather  
  
*I had to use a spell check to find out how "abbey" was spelled.  
  
*Heero's car was based after my brother's girlfriends' car, which is sweet beyond words.  
  
*18 actually IS the number of R in the alphabet and 8 actually IS the coordinate of H in the alphabet. So that mistake was entirely possible ^_^ 


End file.
